Fall clean out

So tackled the closet in the dinning room today. Figured it was time to go through those boxes and actually see what had been left pack for over a year. Was able to condense 13 boxes down to 5. Those boxes contain books, nick nacks VHS tapes ( I still have a VCR lol) and some other odds and ends that I currently don't have a place to put. Partly because I don't have any shelves an entertainment center or book cases. We also found almost a dollar of canadian tire money a dollar fifty in lose change some of my scrap booking papers the actual bowl for my rice cooker that has been missing since we moved and the lip for my mini food processor. Also found a bunch of other things that I forgot was in those boxes. Its been a fairly good day for going through things have a bit more to do tonight and then will try and finish up that room tomorrow

Signing off

Just want to say farewell for now to anyone who reads this blog.
I may come back to it at another time when there is something more exciting to blog about except for the things that I need to get off my chest and don't always have some one to listen.
I don't want people to feel that they are my emotional life vest. So all apron strings are cut. Yes I am unstable right now and need some stability in my life, but in order to get that I feel I must keep quiet or continue to validate myself. I am tired of doing both constantly. Its not like I enjoy this far from it nor did I choose for this to happen to me. I am who I am accept it or not.
Fare thee well Merry Did we Meet Merry shall we part

Taking a hiatus

Well we are taking a three month break from actively trying. My family doctor put me on birth control to try and regulate my hormones while I am waiting for our appointment with the new RE in December. It should prove to be a decent break and three months in the scope of the past seven years isn't all that long.
In other news I have found yet another medication that I am allergic to which sucks royally because it had been helping me sleep. I am also in the process of obtaining a psychiatric service dog as recommended by my doctor so will keep you posted on that. Other then that there isn't much new I am still drowning in anxiety which it hasn't been letting up maybe one day.

Busy times

This past weekend was my Uncle's 75th birthday party. It was a fairly stressful with all the people so my anxiety was quite high but as long as my cup remained full I got through it. Got to see a lot of family and friends that I haven't seen in a while. I also got to say good bye to my childhood cat Cleo, who's kidneys were failing. She went to the rainbow bridge last night.

As an update on the mri situation. Got the results back and all it showed was moderate arthritis more then they would have expected in someone my age. Although I am skeptical about it because it didn't show any of the stenosis that was showing after my car accident. So the results gave us more questions. My doctor will not refill the prescription for pain killers so it has been interesting. I will be calling about physiotherapy in the next week or so and see how that goes.
I went to see the psychiatrist and he changed all my medications around. I am no longer taking an as needed anxiety pill and have a reduced dosage of my main medication as well as one added at bedtime. The bedtime medication, is actually an antipyscotic that supposedly works well for anxiety. So far all the bedtime medication does is make me sleep at night and then all day. I am still getting used to it though so we shall see.

I also got a referal to a new fertility specialist. As the current one I refuse to go back to see due to his lack of bedside manner. So waiting to get the appointment date for that.
The first week of august I go back to see the psychiatrist and an orthopedic surgeon. So it has been a busy time and will continue to be

New Doctor tomorrow

Well I am going for my medication consult with a psychiatrist tomorrow well today now. As if my anxiety isn't already out of control I get some one else new thrown into the mix. I would just like to feel in control of myself once more. I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle all by myself. I do have supportive friends and my DH is supportive most of the time but he isn't being the rock I need right now. Everything seems to be crumbling down around me. I can't even tell anyone what it is exactly that I am afraid of or worries me or even makes me anxious. This is the part that is the most frustrating. It is hard to make people understand that to me these fears and worries are very very real. I also constantly feel like I have to validate myself to everyone thoroughly explain my reasoning or myself and if I don't the anxiety starts to overwhelm me.
I have people telling me that I need to let things just roll off my shoulders or not let things freak me out. I try and all I end up doing is getting more anxious and stressed about it and then I end up not sleeping, even with taking a sleeping pill.
I feel ashamed of all of this and as if I am being punished for some reason. Again no reason to feel like I am being punished I just do.
There are a lot of times I feel like I am still a child looking for acceptance affection and love.
I am broken into a million pieces that aren't fitting back together again. I have my soul mate beside me but my whole essence is a jigsaw puzzle missing a few key pieces.
Is there anyone out there who can take my hand and guide me through this dark tunnel to the light that I know is at the end of it somewhere? I am lost in this maze. I can no longer be everyone else s. This rock has crumbled, Hummpty Dummpty can't be put back together again.

Still waiting

My doctor has my MRI results however my next appointment with her isn't until July 14th so I am still waiting to find out exactly what's wrong while my small amount of pain killers keeps getting smaller despite taking them sparingly. Today is a bad day my back seized up because I was reading outside and was laying on my stomach. It is getting annoying not being able to do much without worrying if my back is going to seize up or not. Of course each time it seizes it seems worse then the time before.

In other news I have restarted on a fertility tea as well as some other supplements to see if that will at least get my hormones some what balanced. So currently right now not too sure how actively ttc we are or if it more not abstaining. Time will tell this roller coaster has taken enough out of me I think it is pretty much time to stop the ride just taking it one day at a time

post MRI

Well my MRI was yesterday and the ativan did its job keeping relatively calm during the procedure thankfully. However just as I knew it would my back started spazing and hurting after I had been on the table on five minutes. I managed to stay still for the whole thing and just ignored my back until it was time to get off the table. The tears started flowing freely because of the intense pain it took me five or six tries just to sit up and swing my legs over the edge the technologist wouldn't even give me hand to sit up, all he kept saying was take your time and handed me a tissue to wipe my eyes. I then hobbled down the hall way to the waiting room where one of my really good friends was waiting for me tears streaming down my cheeks and defiantly not a happy camper. She got me a wheel chair and off to the ER we went. Once we got called in it was a very short time before I was seen by a resident he did a through exam apologizing profusely for making me lay down on the stretcher and causing the pain to be intensified again. I was given a shot of dilautid and gravol and a script for dilautid to fill and at least now I am pain free but slightly high and loopy but I can tolerate moving as long as the room isn't spinning.
My family doctor will have the results in 4 to 5 business days so I should be getting a call about it next week to find out what is wrong