Fall clean out

So tackled the closet in the dinning room today. Figured it was time to go through those boxes and actually see what had been left pack for over a year. Was able to condense 13 boxes down to 5. Those boxes contain books, nick nacks VHS tapes ( I still have a VCR lol) and some other odds and ends that I currently don't have a place to put. Partly because I don't have any shelves an entertainment center or book cases. We also found almost a dollar of canadian tire money a dollar fifty in lose change some of my scrap booking papers the actual bowl for my rice cooker that has been missing since we moved and the lip for my mini food processor. Also found a bunch of other things that I forgot was in those boxes. Its been a fairly good day for going through things have a bit more to do tonight and then will try and finish up that room tomorrow

Signing off

Just want to say farewell for now to anyone who reads this blog.
I may come back to it at another time when there is something more exciting to blog about except for the things that I need to get off my chest and don't always have some one to listen.
I don't want people to feel that they are my emotional life vest. So all apron strings are cut. Yes I am unstable right now and need some stability in my life, but in order to get that I feel I must keep quiet or continue to validate myself. I am tired of doing both constantly. Its not like I enjoy this far from it nor did I choose for this to happen to me. I am who I am accept it or not.
Fare thee well Merry Did we Meet Merry shall we part

Taking a hiatus

Well we are taking a three month break from actively trying. My family doctor put me on birth control to try and regulate my hormones while I am waiting for our appointment with the new RE in December. It should prove to be a decent break and three months in the scope of the past seven years isn't all that long.
In other news I have found yet another medication that I am allergic to which sucks royally because it had been helping me sleep. I am also in the process of obtaining a psychiatric service dog as recommended by my doctor so will keep you posted on that. Other then that there isn't much new I am still drowning in anxiety which it hasn't been letting up maybe one day.

Busy times

This past weekend was my Uncle's 75th birthday party. It was a fairly stressful with all the people so my anxiety was quite high but as long as my cup remained full I got through it. Got to see a lot of family and friends that I haven't seen in a while. I also got to say good bye to my childhood cat Cleo, who's kidneys were failing. She went to the rainbow bridge last night.

As an update on the mri situation. Got the results back and all it showed was moderate arthritis more then they would have expected in someone my age. Although I am skeptical about it because it didn't show any of the stenosis that was showing after my car accident. So the results gave us more questions. My doctor will not refill the prescription for pain killers so it has been interesting. I will be calling about physiotherapy in the next week or so and see how that goes.
I went to see the psychiatrist and he changed all my medications around. I am no longer taking an as needed anxiety pill and have a reduced dosage of my main medication as well as one added at bedtime. The bedtime medication, is actually an antipyscotic that supposedly works well for anxiety. So far all the bedtime medication does is make me sleep at night and then all day. I am still getting used to it though so we shall see.

I also got a referal to a new fertility specialist. As the current one I refuse to go back to see due to his lack of bedside manner. So waiting to get the appointment date for that.
The first week of august I go back to see the psychiatrist and an orthopedic surgeon. So it has been a busy time and will continue to be

New Doctor tomorrow

Well I am going for my medication consult with a psychiatrist tomorrow well today now. As if my anxiety isn't already out of control I get some one else new thrown into the mix. I would just like to feel in control of myself once more. I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle all by myself. I do have supportive friends and my DH is supportive most of the time but he isn't being the rock I need right now. Everything seems to be crumbling down around me. I can't even tell anyone what it is exactly that I am afraid of or worries me or even makes me anxious. This is the part that is the most frustrating. It is hard to make people understand that to me these fears and worries are very very real. I also constantly feel like I have to validate myself to everyone thoroughly explain my reasoning or myself and if I don't the anxiety starts to overwhelm me.
I have people telling me that I need to let things just roll off my shoulders or not let things freak me out. I try and all I end up doing is getting more anxious and stressed about it and then I end up not sleeping, even with taking a sleeping pill.
I feel ashamed of all of this and as if I am being punished for some reason. Again no reason to feel like I am being punished I just do.
There are a lot of times I feel like I am still a child looking for acceptance affection and love.
I am broken into a million pieces that aren't fitting back together again. I have my soul mate beside me but my whole essence is a jigsaw puzzle missing a few key pieces.
Is there anyone out there who can take my hand and guide me through this dark tunnel to the light that I know is at the end of it somewhere? I am lost in this maze. I can no longer be everyone else s. This rock has crumbled, Hummpty Dummpty can't be put back together again.

Still waiting

My doctor has my MRI results however my next appointment with her isn't until July 14th so I am still waiting to find out exactly what's wrong while my small amount of pain killers keeps getting smaller despite taking them sparingly. Today is a bad day my back seized up because I was reading outside and was laying on my stomach. It is getting annoying not being able to do much without worrying if my back is going to seize up or not. Of course each time it seizes it seems worse then the time before.

In other news I have restarted on a fertility tea as well as some other supplements to see if that will at least get my hormones some what balanced. So currently right now not too sure how actively ttc we are or if it more not abstaining. Time will tell this roller coaster has taken enough out of me I think it is pretty much time to stop the ride just taking it one day at a time

post MRI

Well my MRI was yesterday and the ativan did its job keeping relatively calm during the procedure thankfully. However just as I knew it would my back started spazing and hurting after I had been on the table on five minutes. I managed to stay still for the whole thing and just ignored my back until it was time to get off the table. The tears started flowing freely because of the intense pain it took me five or six tries just to sit up and swing my legs over the edge the technologist wouldn't even give me hand to sit up, all he kept saying was take your time and handed me a tissue to wipe my eyes. I then hobbled down the hall way to the waiting room where one of my really good friends was waiting for me tears streaming down my cheeks and defiantly not a happy camper. She got me a wheel chair and off to the ER we went. Once we got called in it was a very short time before I was seen by a resident he did a through exam apologizing profusely for making me lay down on the stretcher and causing the pain to be intensified again. I was given a shot of dilautid and gravol and a script for dilautid to fill and at least now I am pain free but slightly high and loopy but I can tolerate moving as long as the room isn't spinning.
My family doctor will have the results in 4 to 5 business days so I should be getting a call about it next week to find out what is wrong

Finally got my MRI date

So I should finally have some answers about my back after June 6th. I have to get my eyes xrayed due to an old eye injury I had back when I was in the first or second grade.
I also brought in my paperwork for long term disability. When I read my doctor's section that she filled out it made me take a step back and say wow yep she has the nail hit on the head. I haven't been responding to treatment it has been getting worse. She has referred me to a psychiatrist for a medication consult because the medication I am on it just making me fell even worse. Right now it is just one day at a time and that is all I can do keep my anti anxiety meds close at hand and just put one foot in front of the other

One Small Goal

Well today I accomplished one small goal. My upstairs spare room has been the catch all room and has over whelmed me since we moved in a year ago everything was just thrown into that room and since the cats used to have their litter boxes up there needless to say that room was a disaster. Today we got three full garbage bags and about 15 empty boxes out which cleared out about half of the room. That is one small goal in getting my house full organized and getting rid of all the crap that we don't need. Its not going to happen over night but one small step and goal at a time

Can't put my finger on it

I feel like I trapped inside my body. The real me is there hidden under all the anxiety and unrealistic fears and worries that are keeping the carefree happy go lucky me from surfacing. There is no one specific thing that is making me anxious or jittery or paranoid or causing me to wake up in the middle of the night in a panic because I feel that I am late for something.
Everyone is so full of advice and yes I am grateful for it, but what I really need right now is help finding myself. I need to support, the shoulders to lean on, open ears to listen to my ramblings. I need someone to understand that I can't sit still, can't keep focus and get easily distracted and its not my fault.
I feel like I am a failure in many ways. I am not doing my part to support my small family, as I am unable to work at the moment. My body and mind are both completely messed up where do I start on that. Physically my back is completely messed, I am waiting for my MRI to be scheduled to figure out exactly what is wrong there, my knees give out for no reason, have an appointment in August as long as it doesn't get moved to figure that out. Internally my endocrine system is completely out of whack PCOS is completely messing up my life. Each month that goes by it makes the whole in my heart even bigger and considering everything else that is going on right now that whole is going to swallow me alive by the time I can work on filling it.
Then there is this anxiety thing that is taking over my life rendering me completely useless. My doctor doubled my dose of medication in hopes that it would help I can take up to 3 anti anxiety pills a day some days that's not enough.
I want to put a mask on and pretend everything is alright so I can go ans socialize with my friends but it isn't alright and I can't put my finger on what's wrong. I went into work yesterday to pay my portion of my benefits and was given the long term disability paperwork just in case. I have already been off for ten weeks and I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. Will I actually sleep tonight or will tonight be one of those nights where I lay in bed wide awake either because my back is hurting so much that I can't get comfortable or I am paranoid to go to sleep because some dream is going to eat me? Now I know my dreams don't eat me but even though I don't remember them when I wake up I am certain the nightmares are back I was sure I had gotten rid of them years ago.

I almost wonder why I even bother posting on here its not like anyone comments b ut maybe it is just good to get this out and off my chest. Well bye for now therre is nothing more I can say that won't sound like incoherent ramblings

Ouch

Ok so I have been going for massage therapy on my back and neck consistently since Feb and things are getting better however each time I go my lower back goes into spazms and it takes me forever to actually get off the table and once I do get of the table I can barely move and am in intense pain. Well 8 years ago I was in a bar car accident and did a lot of damage to my lower back. I had thought most of it had healed since I was no longer in constant pain and was able to move fairly well. Now there were days that the pain was bad and I couldn't barely move I chalked that up to a pinched nerve that I aggravated every so often. Well its been a couple of weeks since my last treatment and that in itself wasn't supposed to send me into spasms since it was a hot stone massage well wee were both wrong it was the worst spasm yet not as painful but over an hour and twenty minutes to get off the table and that was with my friend/therapist working on me constantly. The pain and spams start in my lower lumbar spine and radiate all around the front of my pelvis and down my legs so that I can not stand up straight without first thrusting my hips forward and bending my knees. While talking it over I asked it maybe I had a bulged disc again since that was one of the issues from the car accident. Turns out that very well could be the issue.
Now I can't even do a load of laundry without it spazing or walk around window shopping for a couple hours without seizing up and being in pain later.
It's uncomfortable to sleep its hard to sit for long periods of time or stand or doing anything that is considered part of normal daily life. I go to see my family doctor on the 30th I think either I have re-injured it or in getting the muscles finally healed I am finally feeling everything I should have been feeling after the accident who knows only an MRI will give me answers right now I would just like to be pain free

Laundry Laundry and more Laundry

So finally going through and unpacking and putting away the boxes of clothes that I haven't touched since we moved in except to go through pile some on the dresser ad just dig through to find what I was looking for. So rewashing everything and going through it to get rid of what ever we no longer wear or like or that doesn't fit. Already got half a garbage bag on the go for stuff that's ready to be donated and another pile going of stuff that is worn out. Getting everything organized one room at a time not sure why I picked our bedroom to start but that's where I started not sure which room will be next but this week is dedicated to the bedroom and it will be done its already half done.

Not myself

I haven't been myself lately. I feel like a stranger in my own body. My thoughts are all scattered I don't have an attention span. Anxiety is at its highest. When my anxiety gets like his my ADD goes out of control. I just want to curl up in a dark hole until this all calms itself down. The doctor thinks medication is the way to go I hate taking meds. I just don't feel in control of my life at the moment. My Dh is out of a job I am on stress leave we might not have a home for long if this keeps up. What to do where to turn everything is so frazzled. The hole in my heart is growing bigger every day starting to wonder if it will ever be whole again.
I don't feel grounded yet spritually I am growing more and more each day. Embracing my pagan life style more and more becoming more involved in the community. Yet I am a floundering fish on the beach struggling to breath because I can't find my center. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Another Month flown by

Here I promised to keep this blog updated more and have yet to follow through on that. Well what's new umm benefits have kicked in have a 10k lifetime maximum on fertility medications sweet.
I also got my first ever Supervisor KUDOS call at work had a customer totally rave about my customer service so that put me in a really great mood.
The count down is still going strong for SPIRITS. I so can't wait.
So on the fertility front just waiting for the avandia to get my system back into gear and will be starting an iui thinking maybe next month.... Still waiting on af she was due jan 4th and still nothing three negative betas later so we hurry up and wait. I filled the provera script but I really hate taking it so I can hurry up and wait a little while longer.
The question of the day is when will this winter end???????

The Count down is on

Spirits of the Earth Festival this coming July. I so can't wait six days of camping rituals workshops and intense energy from being around hundreds of fellow pagans. Care free days of wearing bathing suit tops and sarongs being outside in the open air sleeping under the stars well in a tent but damn well near close enough. It still four months and twenty five days away but the energy building in our community group is already building and starting to vibrate. We had just moved to the area last year so were unable to attend so this year is going to be amazing. Now to start watching the sales as we need to replace some essential camping equipment but it will all be worth it in the end. The fun part is going to be getting a tent big enough to fit our queen size byo bed lol yeah we are going camping but that doesn't mean we can't sleep in comfort on a nice comfy bed that sits on a frame lol camping in luxury.

Back in a routine

Its so good to be back into a routine. The only real bad thing at some points is I work days and my dh works nights so we hardly see each other. However that can be a good thing too considering we have had some tension between us lately. His anxiety has started to get out of control again thus he was missing a lot of work. I am not one to criticize anyone for being sick but when its juts the middle of the month and only 16 days into a new year and you have already used 75% of your sick days for the year yeah I got a little put out, especially since he hasn't finished his probation period yet and in the 6 weeks he worked last year he used up his 10 sick days for 2009. I am just hoping that we can be bringing in our normal pays soon so we can get on track for planning everything we want to be doing. Its kinda hard to be doing that when you aren't sure what you will be bringing in every two weeks in order to budget properly.
The really good news is that my sick leave did not effect the starting of my benefits at all so they still start on Feb 1st which means we can start a medicated IUI cycle as soon as I get my drug card. I can't wait it will be a little bit of hope at least.

Back to work tomorrow

So glad got the clean bill of health from my doctor today I can officially go back to work tomorrow. Its been a long six weeks, it will be good to get back into a routine.