Finally got my MRI date

So I should finally have some answers about my back after June 6th. I have to get my eyes xrayed due to an old eye injury I had back when I was in the first or second grade.
I also brought in my paperwork for long term disability. When I read my doctor's section that she filled out it made me take a step back and say wow yep she has the nail hit on the head. I haven't been responding to treatment it has been getting worse. She has referred me to a psychiatrist for a medication consult because the medication I am on it just making me fell even worse. Right now it is just one day at a time and that is all I can do keep my anti anxiety meds close at hand and just put one foot in front of the other

One Small Goal

Well today I accomplished one small goal. My upstairs spare room has been the catch all room and has over whelmed me since we moved in a year ago everything was just thrown into that room and since the cats used to have their litter boxes up there needless to say that room was a disaster. Today we got three full garbage bags and about 15 empty boxes out which cleared out about half of the room. That is one small goal in getting my house full organized and getting rid of all the crap that we don't need. Its not going to happen over night but one small step and goal at a time

Can't put my finger on it

I feel like I trapped inside my body. The real me is there hidden under all the anxiety and unrealistic fears and worries that are keeping the carefree happy go lucky me from surfacing. There is no one specific thing that is making me anxious or jittery or paranoid or causing me to wake up in the middle of the night in a panic because I feel that I am late for something.
Everyone is so full of advice and yes I am grateful for it, but what I really need right now is help finding myself. I need to support, the shoulders to lean on, open ears to listen to my ramblings. I need someone to understand that I can't sit still, can't keep focus and get easily distracted and its not my fault.
I feel like I am a failure in many ways. I am not doing my part to support my small family, as I am unable to work at the moment. My body and mind are both completely messed up where do I start on that. Physically my back is completely messed, I am waiting for my MRI to be scheduled to figure out exactly what is wrong there, my knees give out for no reason, have an appointment in August as long as it doesn't get moved to figure that out. Internally my endocrine system is completely out of whack PCOS is completely messing up my life. Each month that goes by it makes the whole in my heart even bigger and considering everything else that is going on right now that whole is going to swallow me alive by the time I can work on filling it.
Then there is this anxiety thing that is taking over my life rendering me completely useless. My doctor doubled my dose of medication in hopes that it would help I can take up to 3 anti anxiety pills a day some days that's not enough.
I want to put a mask on and pretend everything is alright so I can go ans socialize with my friends but it isn't alright and I can't put my finger on what's wrong. I went into work yesterday to pay my portion of my benefits and was given the long term disability paperwork just in case. I have already been off for ten weeks and I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. Will I actually sleep tonight or will tonight be one of those nights where I lay in bed wide awake either because my back is hurting so much that I can't get comfortable or I am paranoid to go to sleep because some dream is going to eat me? Now I know my dreams don't eat me but even though I don't remember them when I wake up I am certain the nightmares are back I was sure I had gotten rid of them years ago.

I almost wonder why I even bother posting on here its not like anyone comments b ut maybe it is just good to get this out and off my chest. Well bye for now therre is nothing more I can say that won't sound like incoherent ramblings